You may or may not know that Tim & I thinking of trying to start a family later on this year. I was sent this 15 step program advice from Erin - I think I'll start tomorrow:
Thinking of having kids? Do this 15-Step Program first!
Lesson 1 -
*Go to the grocery store.
*Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
*Go home. *Pick up the paper. *Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2 - Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
*Methods of discipline.
*Lack of patience.
*Appallingly low tolerance levels.
*Allowing their children to run wild.
*Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training,table manners, and overall behavior.
*Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3 - A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
*Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)playing loudly.
*Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.
*At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
*Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
*Set the alarm for 3AM.
*As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
*Go to bed at 2:45AM.
*Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
*Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
*Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).
*Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4 - Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
*Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
*Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
*Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
*Then rub them on the clean walls.
*Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
*Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5 - Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
*Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
*Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that noneof the arms hang out.
*Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6 -
*Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.
*Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
*Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica ofthe Eiffel Tower.
Lesson 7 - Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
*Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
*Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
*Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
*Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 8 -
*Get ready to go out.
*Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.
*Go out the front door.
*Come in again. Go out.
*Come back in.
*Go out again.
*Walk down the front path.
*Walk back up it.
*Walk down it again.
*Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.
*Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
*Retrace your steps.
*Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
*Give up and go back into the house.
*You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lesson 9 - Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.
Lesson 10 -
*Go to the local grocery store.
*Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).
*If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
*Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
*Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
*Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 11 -
*Hollow out a melon.
*Make a small hole in the side.
*Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
*Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
*Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
*Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
*You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 12 -
*Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon.
*Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years.
*I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?
*Exactly the point.
Lesson 13 -
*Move to the tropics.
*Find or make a compost pile.
*Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it.
*Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.
Lesson 14 -
*Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
*Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
*You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 15 -
*Start talking to an adult of your choice.
*Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem,shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 14 above.
*You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.